Closet Shopping and Clothing Exchange

Monday I got to go closet shopping! Say what?
Well, as I loose weight my clothes don't fit, right? And it makes absolutely no sense to buy a whole new set of clothes for each size that I shrink down to. So, besides the small sending spree I had recently with my friend Catherine, I haven't bought any clothes. However, much to my surprise, many of my friends have offered me clothes from their closet. These are clothes that no logger fit the original owner, but are in excellent taste and condition. So, Monday I went closet shopping! I got a few pairs of jeans, a couple of skirts and many much needed tops. For the next month I have clothes! WooHoo!

Now, my acquisition of clothing is not limited to closet shopping. Nope. I have also begun exchanging clothing with a couple of friends. As I shrink, I have given my clothes to others and as others shrink faster than I, they have given their clothes to me. It's all become, like, a fashion show/slumber party!

So many thanks to my friends Ramona, Mya and Mary!

New Clothes

I had to buy new clothes. I just can't take this; floating around in stuff that is way to big for me. So my good friend, Catherine Dennison, (who was in Toronto to see the Spice Girls) helped me buy some new clothes (all on sale by the way). I just had to post this picture for two reasons; Chris loves this shirt and look, look, I have a neck!

By the way, I bought this stuff at Cotton Ginny Plus. I'm wearing a size 16 pant and a small, that's right, a small shirt!

Darth Tish's Temper Tantrum

"But I don't want to" said Darth Tish, as she lay on the floor kicking, screaming, and red faced.

"What do you mean?" Tish asked.

"I mean, I don't wanna go and you can't make me!"

"Make you do what?" Tish inquired.

"Make me go to the gym!" Darth Tish said with such an emphatic pout that her bottom lip almost hit the floor.

"Well, I'm not making you go." Tish stated.

"But I should go," said Darth Tish.

"Should you?"

"Yup, I should. But I don't want to," Darth Tish said as she twisted her hair into a knot.

"Why should you go?" Tish asked.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because!" said Darth Tish stomping her foot.

"Because is not an answer," Tish said, "It is a question that requires an answer."

"Because it's good for me" Darth Tish admitted sullenly.

"Oh" Tish said, nodding her head in agreement.

"But I don't want to go"

"You look really mad. I mean, you certainly look like you are having a wonderful, full blown temper tantrum about this." Tish said.

"Well, I do do wonderful temper tantrums. You should see the ones I have about eating junk food." Darth Tish said with twisted half smile.

"Yes," said Tish, "but that still does not address why you don't want to go to the gym."

"Ya, well, I don't want to go because I don't want to go. Like, why should I have to make myself do something else? Haven't I already made myself do so much?" whined Darth Tish.

"Sure," Tish agreed, "you have done a lot. Waiting for surgery, surgery itself, all that vomiting, two dilation procedures and don't forget all that weight loss."

"Ya," said Darth Tish emphatically, "it has been a lot. And why should I have to do more? Why isn't there, like, a magic pill that I can take that makes all my muscles strong and kick-starts my weight loss again?"

"Well, science has not progressed that far," Tish explained. "But I'm sure that one day there will be such a pill. But in the mean time what are you going to do about this?"

"Well," Darth Tish drawled, "I guess I should go to the gym. But I am just having such a hard time getting there and I don't know why. I mean, I do have some fun. And I do like the way I feel after a work-out. And I do want to look better and feel stronger."

"Sometimes you don't have to understand why you behave in a certain way. What is really important is that you just change the behaviour," Tish said. "Does that help?"

"Ya, I know." Darth Tish agreed. "But it don't really change this motivation problem."

"No it doesn't."

"I guess I just have to do it, don't I?" Darth Tish said, as she frantically looked for an easy way out.

"Yup," Tish approved.

"Okay, I'll try again to get my butt to the gym today."

"Okay. I'll check in with you again tomorrow," Tish said.

"Alright," said Darth Tish, sulking, as she packed her swimsuit in her duffel bag. "We will have this conversation again tomorrow."

The Apron

I am at the point in my weight loss adventure, where I have become really annoyed with all the extra skin that is now hanging around. Most disconcerting is the skin that is hanging off of my belly. It was there when I was 100 pounds heavier, but it kind of stuck out more and was away from my body. Now it just hangs, like an apron, and rubs against the skin underneath.

It is hot and moist under there. A happy place for bacteria and grossness. I recently have begun developing serious skin infections under the apron. It has become uncomfortable, unhealthy and I am generally unhappy about it. I have been washing, of course, and I have been using a cream to help keep the production of yeast down. But the skin itself has become very thin and splits easily. It's now time to start researching reconstructive surgery.

So I guess I will conclude this entry with two points.
If you ever decide to have this surgery
1) be prepared to be really grossed out by your weight loss
2) start saving now for reconstructive surgery

New Photos

June 19, 2007

January 13, 2008

I finally had to go out and buy a pair of pants. Everything was just sliding off me. I didn't even have to undo the button or unzip the zipper! They just fell down. Yes, I am happy about it. The pants I bought are already to big for me so I am going to have to take them in a bit, but they sure fit better than what I had before.

Second Dilation Procedure

That's what I said. A second dilation procedure. No, I was not to happy about it. However, this time I insisted that there was an anesthetist on the scene and that really made all the difference in the world. I don't recall waking up during the procedure and nor did I "fight" the tubes that were in my throat. Consequently, I didn't have a damaged throat like I did last time and I woke up feeling great. The connection between the stomach and small intestine had indeed begun to shrink again and Dr. Hagen was able to dilate the junction to 13.5 mm. Happy day! Hooray for solid food!
The only real problem was that Chris had just started his new job and he could not drive me to or from the hospital. I was very lucky that my friend, Kirsten, was able to lend me a hand. What would we be without family and friends.

New Photos

June 19, 2007
November 17, 2007



So the really cool thing about this picture is the jeans. I have not worn jeans for the last ten years. They were never comfortable and I looked really bad in them. These jeans look okay. I bought them 2 weeks ago and they were tight. However, as you can see in the picture, they are way to big for me. I actually had to borrow my husband's belt to keep them up!

I am really pleased with the weight loss. I am hoping that I can reach my goal weight in the next 6 months.

Great Day!

Today is a great day! I woke up without that familiar feeling of nausea! That in itself was fabulous. Then discovered that I could drink water! Ye Ha! Had two crackers with cheese for snack around 10 am and because that went down so well, I actually had chicken soup for lunch! At 3 pm I had 12 almonds and that went down without a hitch!. I feel great. I am warm (for a change) and have lots of energy. All I want is for this to happen every day. I'm now off to eat a little dinner. Wish me luck for tomorrow

Scope Results

Since I spent most of last weekend in the emergency room, Dr. Hagen decided to move up my scope from Oct. 24 to Oct 17. So here are the results. Dr. Hagen found that the junction between the pouch and the small intestine had indeed become a stricture and had closed up to a "tight fit". (I think Dr. Hagen didn't want to tell me how much it closed up because I was extremely nervous about the whole procedure.) He was able to dilate the stricture to 12mm. This, I was happy about.

However, I was unhappy about the process. I guess my gag reflexes had become so sensitive that, even after I had been sedated, I kept trying to throw up the tubes that were in my throat during the procedure. I woke up several times gagging and keenly aware of a reddish/brown pool of liquid coming out of my mouth and collecting on the cloth under my face. It was not pleasant. After the procedure, I discovered that my throat had been scraped up quite badly and I have been having a really difficult time swallowing.

In regards to the success of the dilatation though, you will be happy to know that food (and water) are now staying down. Since I haven't eaten is so long I am having a bit to trouble with the sensation of solid food in my stomach. It feels really heavy and is uncomfortable.

As for the future, there is a possibility that the junction could tighten up again. If I begin to feel pain or begin throwing up again, I am to call Dr. Hagen and arrange to meet him at the hospital for a second dilation. Let's just hope that this does not happen. I would really like things to go a bit more smoothly from now on.

Rings

Because I have lost so much weight, I have not been able to wear my wedding ring for about 8 weeks now. I started going through my old jewelry looking for rings to fill the empty space on my finger. I happened across several during the last couple of weeks that have easily slipped back into place. However, today I came across something that I never thought that I would be ever be able to wear again. It is the silver and black onyx ring my parents gave to me upon my graduation from university. A simple and beautiful ring that holds a special place in my heart.

Mom, Dad, thanks for the memories.

The Emergency Room

I have been throwing up now for 8 days straight. Yes, I have been to the doctor's and I do have a scope scheduled. So there is not a damn thing I can do. In the meantime, ever time I put something in my mouth I start throwing up. And not just once or twice. I throw up about every 20 minutes for 6 - 8 hours.

Last night it started again. I just could not face another night of agony and sleeplessness so I asked Chris to take me to the emergency room. I knew that they were not going to find anything, but I just really wanted them to make the vomiting stop. Eight hours later I got to go home. My blood pressure was fine and the black substance I was vomiting was not blood but acid from my gut. I didn't have any blockages in either my stomach or bowels. They gave me something to stop the vomiting and pumped 4 liters of fluids into me. They also gave me a prescriptions to stop the nausea at home while I am waiting for the scope. Not the best time in my life but at least today I can drink water and keep it down. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

New Photos

June 19 2007

October 11, 2007

Total weight loss so far is 86lbs. And yes, I can finally see that I am loosing weight!

Unfortunately, the throwing up has not stopped and, in fact, has become worse. During the past week, I spent 5 days in a row throwing up. I was not even able to keep water down, let alone food.

I am scheduled for a gastroscopy procedure on Wednesday, October 24. Dr. Hagen will put a scope down my throat and take a look inside the pouch and just below it. He will be looking for any strictures or ulcers. If he finds a stricture he will attempt to widen it so that food will pass more easily from the pouch to the small intestine. There is a risk of perforation, but I really don't have a choice.

Wish me luck!

By the way, the pants that I am wearing in the most recent picture are a pair of jeans that have been sitting in my closet for the last ten years. I know that I promised that I would not buy any clothes until I finished losing weight, but these pants were the last pair of "too tight" clothes that I had put aside years ago. Chris has finally convinced me to drop into our local Value Village and Good Will to pick up some cheap clothes to tide me over until I decide to splurge on a new wardrobe. You should see what I look like in my winter coats!! I swim in them! Happy Days!

Thin Inside, Fat Outside vs Fat Inside, Thin Outside

One of the biggest problems that I have faced over the last several years of weight loss and weight gain, has been the conflict between the internal body image and the external body size.

When I am heavy, I often find myself bumping into objects and not being able to determine where I "fit" within a defined space. It is as if I am completely unaware of my external body size. When this situation occurs, it is because my internal body awareness is that of a smaller body shape and size when physically I am not. In my mind's eye, I perceive myself to be the same shape and size that I was when I was in my mid 20's. During these times I feel thin inside but I am fat outside.

When I lose weight, as I am doing now, I have the opposite problem. When I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I cannot see the reduction of weight. Truthfully, I hardly ever look in the mirror because I don't like the reflection at all. I basically check to see if I have all of my teeth and whether or not my hair has fallen out. I don't ever look in a full length mirror. I ask Chris how I look. When I look in the mirror all I see are the lines, wrinkles and fat. What I feel is fat inside when actually I am thin outside.

So like every other person who suffers from an eating disorder, I suffer from a skewed perception of body image; when internal perception and external size do not coincide. How do I fix this problem? I don't know.

I think that there are two main influences that add confusion to this problem. The first being what society presents beauty. I look at magazines, billboards, TV ads etc. I see those thin women, with toned stomachs and wind swept blond hair wearing bikinis and I envy their beauty. Cognitively, I know that the images are an illusion and that I will never look like that (and that in fact, no one can), but I desire it! Therefore, any skewed perceptions I have of my body are further compounded by my desire for the illusion of optimal beauty.

The second influence is that of plastic surgery. I mean, if I could look younger, why the hell wouldn't I? Youth, or the appearance of youth is paramount in our society. And within that desire for youth, I carry all the memories of what youth held for me. I was able to expend huge amounts of energy and accomplish pretty incredible things without consequence. I remember the flexibility and stamina of by body and the silkiness of my skin. So, except for the constraints of finances, why wouldn't I strive to regain that youthful look. Who wouldn't trade just about anything to hold onto the memories they currently have and turn back the clock to recapture those airbrushed features that youth once held for us? And that is exactly what plastic surgery offers us. Youth under a knife and knowledge with out repercussion.

So my adventure, as I continue to loose weight, is to find a way to join the two parts of myself so that my internal perception and the external reality mesh into one whole person.

Now I see!

Finally, I am beginning to see the weight loss!

Why am I not able to see it when I look in the mirror is the real question? I wonder if it is because I don't really look at myself. I am always so unhappy with my reflection that I no longer really look at myself, just a quick glance to make sure I still have all my teeth and my hair hasn't fallen out. I haven't really looked in a full length mirror for years. I usually just ask Chris if I look okay. I think the worst part about this is that when I do look in the mirror all I see are flaws. The lines and wrinkles around my mouth and eyes, and how fat I am. So even f I do try to be positive, all I can see is the negative.

This is going to have to change. Slowly, but it will have to change.

Picture Update

June 19, 2007


September 12, 2007



Okay, guys. I know that the scale says that I have lost 67lbs. But all I see is fat, fat, fat!. Talk about body image problems.

No Pasta High Today

I finally got around to making a batch of tomato sauce. This is no ordinary tomato sauce either. I make it with the tomatoes that Shelna and I canned ourselves. I use organic garlic, shallots, basil and parsley all lovely picked from my garden. I simmer it for hours and when it finishes cooking it is like the angels themselves have kissed it for just the right amount of sweetness.

So there I am salivating over the though of eating my first bowl of pasta tossed with my own sauce with delicate sprinkle with Romano cheese. I start to reminiscing as to how much pleasure I got when eating such wonderful food. Gingerly, I start to eat and wait for signs that my pouch is okay. No problem, and so I eat a bit more. I gleefully went through my 1/2 cup of pasta. And then I just sat there.

Suddenly I realized there the afterglow that I have always felt after eating pasta was not there. In fact, other than being pleased with the fact that I didn't throw up, there is really no sensation at all. Don't get me wrong, the flavour was out of this world, but the calmness and sense of satiation was missing.

I can't begin to tell you how disappointing it was. My favorite food had become mundane. There was no pasta high for me and I don't know if I will every have one again. I am so sad.

I'm getting tired of it

I am really frustrated right now. I keep having, what I call, "bad days" which include pain in my pouch, lower abdomen, constipation, acid reflux, nausea and vomiting. The vomiting can happen once or several times in a row.

Originally, it seemed like I was in a cycle of about 6 - 8 good days, where eating and digestion were normal, but I experienced constipation. Then, I would begin to experience pressure to have a bowel movement and, because I was constipated, I couldn't. The pain in my lower gut would be awful and then I would start vomiting. So, it seemed to me that the vomiting was somehow related to the constipation. I changed my diet; added more roughage and for about a week everything seemed to be working normally. My eating was good, as were my bowel movements. I thought for sure I had cottoned onto what was going on and looked forward to significantly less nausea and vomiting.

However, this past Wednesday, after drinking water, I started to vomit. I vomited a total of three time, about every two hours, and it was only bile and water. The acid reflux between the vomiting would be calmed by nothing and as the evening wore on I become more and more exhausted. Finally, at 2:30 in the morning, everything settled down and I went to bed.

Thursday morning found me exhausted and with a headache. My back was sore and my pouch hurt when I drank water. I concluded that maybe I was having difficulty because I had eaten "store packaged soup". Maybe my system is just to sensitive to eat prepackaged food. So after my loving husband cleaned the kitchen for me, I went about (on shaky ground) making myself split pea soup. By 7:00 that evening I was able to consume 1 cup of the broth from the soup and went to bed with a new plan of cooking all my food.

Today, I have been eating soup, drinking water and ate 2oz of tuna and 2 crackers. Really not the quantity of food I should be eating to maintain nutritional requirements, but everything is staying down.

I am getting tired of vomiting. I can't tell you how painful it is. It would be different if I was trying to get rid of food that was not chewed properly or food that my system couldn't break down, but this is different. There is nothing in my pouch. I am vomiting stuff that is so low in my intestines that my diaphragm hurts and I am breaking blood vessels in my eyes. It is a painful, disgusting, and spiritually exhausting experience and I am tired of it.

What Happened to My Face?

I have finally found something that I don't like about the weight loss. It's the winkles. Take a look at this picture.

This picture is a lie. I am actually having a great time with my nephew, but look at my face. It looks like I am either really pissed off or frowning! I can't believe how the weight loss has changed my face.

Since my cheeks are no longer "plump" I have two large creases that travel from the corners of my nose to either edge of my lips all the way down to the jaw line. The lines make it look like I am constantly frowning. And it doesn't change no matter what emotion I am expressing, unless I am smiling with an incessant grin.

When I brought this up with Chris he just kind of brushed it off and made a flip remark that my age is finally catching up to me. All I could think of is "Thank god for plastic surgery!". I can't even imagine what my face will look like after I reach my goal weight. I understood full well that I would have a lot of excess skin across the front of my body, under my upper arms and upper thighs, but I did not expect my face to go to hell in a hand-basket so fast!

Before the gastric bypass surgery I had contemplated plastic surgery from my belly and for my breasts, but I had not really considered it for my face. Well I can tell you that I have changed my mind. There is no way I am going through the rest of my life looking pissed off (even if I am).

Follow Up Appointment with Dr. Hagen

I saw Dr. Hagen yesterday. We discussed two specific items. The first was the results of the x-rays. Dr. Hagen noted that there was a small amount of narrowing at the junction of the pouch to the small intestine. The junction had narrowed to about 8mm. He was not concerned about this and did not feel that the narrowing had contributed to the two vomiting episodes. He had also expected the junction to narrow a bit at this time.

We also discussed the pain that I have been experiencing lately. His first and foremost thought was that I was going through an adjustment period and concluded that as long as food was moving through the pouch, I was having bowel movements, and passing gas there was nothing to worry about. The pain would eventually subside. He told me that should I begin to vomit with every meal, could not have a bowel movement and was in constant pain to come and see him immediately.

His second thought was that the pain could possible be attributed to the bowel being twisted during the original surgery. He felt that this was highly unlikely and really did not want to explore this any further at this time because it basically meant undergoing exploratory surgery.

So here I am at home, frustrated almost to tears with the whole situation. I guess I had expected (hoped) that I would have an easier recovery. I kept imagining myself becoming very active; riding my bike, going to the gym, gardening, and eating regular food with no consequences.

Instead, I constantly remind myself that things could be a lot worse. It has only been 7 weeks since the surgery and in reality I am doing very well. So maybe I am more tired that I had expected, and maybe I am not eating regular food yet, but I am not in the hospital and I am not dead yet!

What The?

Sorry if I have not been keeping up to date. For the last four days I have been suffering with intense abdominal pain. The pain seemed to be located below the pouch and more in the small intestine. However, the pain was so intense that I could not eat or take my medication. I was barely able to keep water down. Sometimes the pain would wake me up in the early hours of the morning. It was so bad, I would just lay in bed panting. I discovered that using a heating pad helped, but nothing really took the pain away. Trust me, I was unhappy and very cranky. Chris was really worried, as was my Mom. She called me twice a day to check up on me. Chris would not leave the house.

The good news is that I am feeling right as rain as of today and I do have an appointment to see Dr. Hagen tomorrow.

I have no idea why this happened. The only thing that I can think of was I spent a few days away from home and was not sleeping properly. I think the combination of exhaustion and stress just obliterated my body's ability to cope with my new digestive system.

I should have realized this earlier. I mean, before the surgery, if I became overtired or overstressed, I would have a minor Crohn's flair up. I guess my sensitivity to sleep deprivation and stress is even more precarious now.

I will have to be more careful in the future and make sure I get my 8 hours of beauty rest. As Chris says "Meditate baby. Be one with the world." Easier said than done!