Home Again, Home Again, Jigity Jig

I am home!  I arrived back in Toronto on December 26, but didn't get home until December 27.  Since we arrived in Toronto at 11:30pm (and were utterly exhausted and in much pain), Brenda and I crashed at the Sheraton Hotel at Pearson International Airport.  The following morning Eric, Brenda's husband, picked us up and took me home.  Brenda and Eric then proceeded to their home in Peterborough.  My friend Mary has been staying with me and helping me out for the last week.  (Did I mention that I have fabulous friends?)

I must confess that I have been doing nothing much but sleeping (and healing).   I find myself tiring quickly.  I have much more to blog about , but I just thought that you would like to know that I am home and well on the road to mending.

The First of Many Updates

Brenda and I left for Costa Rica this morning at 10:30am. After waiting for a while at the Toronto airport, we flew without incident to Miami, which is where I am updating this blog from. Isn't technology cool!
Anyway, the trip so far has been without incident, however, I have discovered that I am a bit of a nervous traveller. (Brenda is laughing her ass off right now!) Brenda keeps threatening to drug me or give me more booze. Personally, I am going for the latter.

Stick around. It can only get better!

So it is 12:57am (local time) and we have finally arrived at Apartote La Sabana, 3 hours late. Aaaaggghhhhh!

Apparently there was a "problem" on the plane that was suppose to bring us to San Jose and since it was delayed, we were delayed. The best part is that the taxi that was suppose to pick us up at the airport was not there and, of course, everybody was trying to give us a lift. At one point two guys decided that we were a lost cause, lent us a phone to call the hotel to request a taxi. 15 minutes passed and still there was no taxi. By this time one guy had another fare and left. The other guy was still hanging around. I guess since Brenda and I looked tired (and the guy was sick of waiting with us) he popped us into some other guy's taxi and assured us that this guy knew where he was going! Can you tell what is coming?

You got it. The taxi driver had no idea where Apartote La Sabana was. He took us to the sister hotel, got directions and finally, after driving around in circles, got us to the right place.

We checked in, changed into our pj's, and remarked on how we were like two little old ladies travelling to Florida for the first time. We have a bed, we are tired and now we are off to sleep.
See you in the morning.

Brenda's Summerlicious Feedback

Brenda also gave me permission to post her response to my Summerlicious blog post. Didn't I tell you that I have fantastic friends!

Hey Tish,
Just a thought:
No one can accomplish the high degree of control that you think you are lacking. None of us could stay vigilant 24-7. There is a myth in our culture that 'willpower' is a quality that some of us have and others don't. Failure of your 'willpower' does not reflect a personal failing, but is inevitable. At some point even the most vigilant will succumb to temptation. This is why setting up your environment is so important.

You are doing well--you have set up your friends to help--and some of them actually do this. The next step is to continue to spend time (especially when eating) with those friends who help and to avoid eating with friends who don't. Controlling your environment is much more important (and more reliable) than counting on your willpower.

The problem is, if you find it distressing--you will actually AVOID eating out with your friends who support you (and may actually start to gravitate to those who sabotage your efforts). Bad idea. Your next task is to acknowledge your distress and to put more supports in your environment. For example, here is what I have noticed (from your blog and our weekend):

1. Go out with people who will let you carry a conversation. Use your hands. Think of eating out as a time to talk more than a time to eat.

2. Don't go to "all you can eat" places, buffets, or places with too large portions (this will be hard on Chris!).

3. Wine bars and tapas places are ideal for you. The focus is on small bits and sharing rather than on a large plate of food that people dive into. This way, you don't have to compare what you are NOT eating on your plate to theirs. With a common plate(s) there nothing to compare to!

4. Physically remove the plate and move it out of reach at the first sign of 'doneness'.

5. Have people ruin your leftovers.

6. Start to have a policy where you MUST leave something from each selection on your plate (to counteract the 'clean plate' idea).

7. Don't eat with really hungry people, if you can help it. They will be too focused on the food and not on the company.

Mary's Summerlicious Feedback

Mary, bless her heart, gave me permission to post her response to my last blog post. By the way, I have fantastic friends!

Hey Tish,
You know, you're kind of hard on yourself. One of the things I really value about your blog is how honest you are. That's not easy. I'm a little surprised that you are still reeling about your response to the leftover elimination at Summerlicious. From what I observed, you did the right thing.

1. You asked someone "safe" for help with an uncomfortable situation where you were conscious that your behavior was self-destructive. Not the easiest thing to do, but you did. Take a moment now to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a hug! Good for you!

2. Even though at the time you were inwardly screaming in dismay at my action, you maintained fair outward serenity (with only a bit of white showing around your eyes)...cool as a cucumber, babe!

3. You are cognizant of what's going on with your reactions. You know what you want to change. You're taking action to make change by trusting others to support your needs. Kudos!

4. You will eventually get to the stage where you can accept that you will likely still have knee-jerk reactions to food issues. You're already on the right track. Inwardly nod at the reaction and move on, happily giving yourself a gold star for self awareness!

This honesty, trust, and willingness to keep trying is inspirational to me.

Summerlicious & the "I can't believe you did that" moment

Summerlicious; an event in Toronto when restaurants set a fixed price menu.

I had such a great time attending Summerlicious this year. I wasn't able to eat a lot, but I had the chance to try some really interesting restaurants at exceptional prices. However,the topic of today's entry, though it happened during Summerlicious, is not about Summerlicious at all. It's about my reaction to something my friend, Mary, did.

So here we are, at The Citizen. Mary, in the red t-shirt, Mya, in the white blouse and myself. We had a great time! The food was good and the conversation even better.

As the meal progressed and I became full, I pushed my bowl of pasta away from me. However, I really liked my meal and I began to pick at my food. I could feel my stomach become tight and uncomfortable and knew that I needed to stop eating, but could not bring myself to do so. Finally, in desperation, I pushed my bowl to the middle of the table, towards Mary and told her I was full and that she could finish my meal if she wished.

To my abject horror, Mary dumped another bowl of unfinished food on top of my pasta and pushed the dishes towards the end of the table for the waiter to pick up! Though I couldn't eat another bite, I could not believe my emotion response to Mary's destruction of my food. If she or Mya had eaten the pasta, I would have been less appalled! A day later I was still in shock at the event and decided to discuss it with Mary.

I told her about what was going on in my pointy, little head and conveyed my dismay and turmoil. To my surprise, I discovered that her actions had been prompted by the latest entry in my blog that discusses my need, at times, to ask others to "destroy" my leftovers. Well, Mary, being the friend that she is, went ahead and did exactly what needed to be done but I could not bring myself to do. In retrospect, I would have been more comfortable bringing the food home as leftovers and leaving it to rot in the fridge, before I threw it out! But, this experience has brought some really interesting (if not unpleasent) emotions to bare.

I am disturbed about the event for a few reasons

1) That I was not able to push my food away when I knew I was finished

2) That I had such a unwanted emotional response to Mary's actions

3) That there are still lingering waves of that emotional response that I haven't/won't or can't deal with as of yet

So, here I am. Stuck in a place that I am not comfortable being in and feeling a tad out of control, relying on others for strength and trying desperately to develop coping skills that I can act on.

Wish me luck!

Closet Shopping and Clothing Exchange

Monday I got to go closet shopping! Say what?
Well, as I loose weight my clothes don't fit, right? And it makes absolutely no sense to buy a whole new set of clothes for each size that I shrink down to. So, besides the small sending spree I had recently with my friend Catherine, I haven't bought any clothes. However, much to my surprise, many of my friends have offered me clothes from their closet. These are clothes that no logger fit the original owner, but are in excellent taste and condition. So, Monday I went closet shopping! I got a few pairs of jeans, a couple of skirts and many much needed tops. For the next month I have clothes! WooHoo!

Now, my acquisition of clothing is not limited to closet shopping. Nope. I have also begun exchanging clothing with a couple of friends. As I shrink, I have given my clothes to others and as others shrink faster than I, they have given their clothes to me. It's all become, like, a fashion show/slumber party!

So many thanks to my friends Ramona, Mya and Mary!

New Clothes

I had to buy new clothes. I just can't take this; floating around in stuff that is way to big for me. So my good friend, Catherine Dennison, (who was in Toronto to see the Spice Girls) helped me buy some new clothes (all on sale by the way). I just had to post this picture for two reasons; Chris loves this shirt and look, look, I have a neck!

By the way, I bought this stuff at Cotton Ginny Plus. I'm wearing a size 16 pant and a small, that's right, a small shirt!