There are two perspectives to every story, an inner battle that goes on with ones alter ego, no matter what action, decision, option, opinion or perspective one takes in life. My experience regarding the gastric by-pass surgery is no exception.
Darth Tish's Perspective
Darth Tish spends most of her time telling me really nasty stuff.
She calls into question my intentions; "You are lazy. That is why you had the by-pass surgery."
She calls into question my will power; "You are weak. That is why you had the by-pass surgery."
She calls into question my stamina; "You will fail and gain back all the weight."
She calls into question my self esteem; " You are narcissistic and that is why you are having 'reconstructive' surgery."
But mainly, she calls into question my ethics; "You cheated!", she accuses me. "You took the easy way out!"
Tish' Perspective
Cognitively, I understand how wrong Darth Tish is.
I am not lazy. I have always worked hard to obtain my goals. And, I have had the added challenge of chronic illness. I defy anyone to tell me I am lazy.
I have amazing will power and self control. Again, Crohn's disease and Diabetes does not allow for a lax disposition. Control and will power are an absolute necessity.
I am a force to be reckoned with. My ability to endure has never faltered.
My self esteem? Though I may never be a fashion model, I know that I am having the reconstructive surgery for medical reasons. Sure, there is some vanity, but what the hell is wrong with that? I have worked hard and I have a right to look good! Why should I not use all resources that are available to me?
But for me, the most disconcerting thing is Darth Tish's questioning of my ethics. How have I cheated?
I had a 1 in 100 chance of not making it out of the gastric by-pass surgery alive.
I have lost the ability to eat what I want, when I want and, even more challenging, how much I want.
I have to take supplements for the rest of my life just to have a normal, healthy body.
I have scars on my abdomen and breasts and will have even more scars around the entire circumference of my body, down my arms and on my thighs once all of the reconstructive surgeries are finished.
How have I cheated? What have I gotten away with? How is this the easy way out?
I tell you, in all honestly, if I could have lost 140lbs any other way, I would have! I made the best decision that I could, knowing where my strengths and weakness lay. I made a good decision, worked hard and came out of this alive, a better person, healthy and with a furious drive to live. I have not cheated!
There will be no talk of this ever again!
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3 comments:
You know what... You don't have to listen to all the negative voices. Clear your thoughts, and realize all of that doesn't matter. You did what you did to help yourself be healthier. You took action! You did something that many people are not brave enough to do. That is not something to take lightly. You should be proud for making a change in your life for the better. That is far more than most people ever do...
wow - I'm glad that you've had the courage to allow yourself to live a longer more active life -- i love your honesty and what i can tell is a sunny disposition - makes the world a better place so stick around for all those people you touch. My donation was well spent!
Hi Tish. My cousin had the surgery as well as the reconstructive surgery. It was not an easy way for her! It takes a lot of courage to have major surgery where the mortality rate is significant. I have known her for 40 years and have never known her to be as happy and fulfilled as she is now. The surgery has allowed her to shut down her negative voice (most of the time!) and be amongst the living.
You're so inspiring! I'm glad you're you!
And your name is beautiful ;-)
Leticia
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