Brenda's Summerlicious Feedback

Brenda also gave me permission to post her response to my Summerlicious blog post. Didn't I tell you that I have fantastic friends!

Hey Tish,
Just a thought:
No one can accomplish the high degree of control that you think you are lacking. None of us could stay vigilant 24-7. There is a myth in our culture that 'willpower' is a quality that some of us have and others don't. Failure of your 'willpower' does not reflect a personal failing, but is inevitable. At some point even the most vigilant will succumb to temptation. This is why setting up your environment is so important.

You are doing well--you have set up your friends to help--and some of them actually do this. The next step is to continue to spend time (especially when eating) with those friends who help and to avoid eating with friends who don't. Controlling your environment is much more important (and more reliable) than counting on your willpower.

The problem is, if you find it distressing--you will actually AVOID eating out with your friends who support you (and may actually start to gravitate to those who sabotage your efforts). Bad idea. Your next task is to acknowledge your distress and to put more supports in your environment. For example, here is what I have noticed (from your blog and our weekend):

1. Go out with people who will let you carry a conversation. Use your hands. Think of eating out as a time to talk more than a time to eat.

2. Don't go to "all you can eat" places, buffets, or places with too large portions (this will be hard on Chris!).

3. Wine bars and tapas places are ideal for you. The focus is on small bits and sharing rather than on a large plate of food that people dive into. This way, you don't have to compare what you are NOT eating on your plate to theirs. With a common plate(s) there nothing to compare to!

4. Physically remove the plate and move it out of reach at the first sign of 'doneness'.

5. Have people ruin your leftovers.

6. Start to have a policy where you MUST leave something from each selection on your plate (to counteract the 'clean plate' idea).

7. Don't eat with really hungry people, if you can help it. They will be too focused on the food and not on the company.

Mary's Summerlicious Feedback

Mary, bless her heart, gave me permission to post her response to my last blog post. By the way, I have fantastic friends!

Hey Tish,
You know, you're kind of hard on yourself. One of the things I really value about your blog is how honest you are. That's not easy. I'm a little surprised that you are still reeling about your response to the leftover elimination at Summerlicious. From what I observed, you did the right thing.

1. You asked someone "safe" for help with an uncomfortable situation where you were conscious that your behavior was self-destructive. Not the easiest thing to do, but you did. Take a moment now to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a hug! Good for you!

2. Even though at the time you were inwardly screaming in dismay at my action, you maintained fair outward serenity (with only a bit of white showing around your eyes)...cool as a cucumber, babe!

3. You are cognizant of what's going on with your reactions. You know what you want to change. You're taking action to make change by trusting others to support your needs. Kudos!

4. You will eventually get to the stage where you can accept that you will likely still have knee-jerk reactions to food issues. You're already on the right track. Inwardly nod at the reaction and move on, happily giving yourself a gold star for self awareness!

This honesty, trust, and willingness to keep trying is inspirational to me.

Summerlicious & the "I can't believe you did that" moment

Summerlicious; an event in Toronto when restaurants set a fixed price menu.

I had such a great time attending Summerlicious this year. I wasn't able to eat a lot, but I had the chance to try some really interesting restaurants at exceptional prices. However,the topic of today's entry, though it happened during Summerlicious, is not about Summerlicious at all. It's about my reaction to something my friend, Mary, did.

So here we are, at The Citizen. Mary, in the red t-shirt, Mya, in the white blouse and myself. We had a great time! The food was good and the conversation even better.

As the meal progressed and I became full, I pushed my bowl of pasta away from me. However, I really liked my meal and I began to pick at my food. I could feel my stomach become tight and uncomfortable and knew that I needed to stop eating, but could not bring myself to do so. Finally, in desperation, I pushed my bowl to the middle of the table, towards Mary and told her I was full and that she could finish my meal if she wished.

To my abject horror, Mary dumped another bowl of unfinished food on top of my pasta and pushed the dishes towards the end of the table for the waiter to pick up! Though I couldn't eat another bite, I could not believe my emotion response to Mary's destruction of my food. If she or Mya had eaten the pasta, I would have been less appalled! A day later I was still in shock at the event and decided to discuss it with Mary.

I told her about what was going on in my pointy, little head and conveyed my dismay and turmoil. To my surprise, I discovered that her actions had been prompted by the latest entry in my blog that discusses my need, at times, to ask others to "destroy" my leftovers. Well, Mary, being the friend that she is, went ahead and did exactly what needed to be done but I could not bring myself to do. In retrospect, I would have been more comfortable bringing the food home as leftovers and leaving it to rot in the fridge, before I threw it out! But, this experience has brought some really interesting (if not unpleasent) emotions to bare.

I am disturbed about the event for a few reasons

1) That I was not able to push my food away when I knew I was finished

2) That I had such a unwanted emotional response to Mary's actions

3) That there are still lingering waves of that emotional response that I haven't/won't or can't deal with as of yet

So, here I am. Stuck in a place that I am not comfortable being in and feeling a tad out of control, relying on others for strength and trying desperately to develop coping skills that I can act on.

Wish me luck!

Social Eating

I am a huge foodie (didn't you guess that by now) and I still really enjoy the concept of eating out with friends and family. But since the gastric by-pass surgery, I have not enjoyed social gathers over lunch and dinner as much as I once did.

My friends and family know what I have been through and understand that I have a tiny pouch that is filled by 3/4 cup of food. They have a clear understanding that it is a huge waste of money for me to buy a full meal for myself. So we joke around and laugh when I eat of of other people's plates. (I mean, I don't eat off their plates. I have my own plate and everybody gives me a taste of their food.) And even though that behaviour in itself is somewhat uncomfortable, I recognize that I am with people who really love me and the behaviour becomes more acceptable.

However, the real problem for me is not when I am eating, but when I am full, which is about 5 minutes after the food arrives. What am I suppose to do with all of that time, while other people are "mmmmmming" and "yummmming" their way through dinner? The mouth hunger I feel is overwhelming and, I must confess, I have asked friends to ruin my leftovers so that I would not pick at them. I become uncomfortable, anxious, and feel out of place during the meal and often end up apologizing for my lack of stomach space.

This past weekend my good friend Brenda, came to visit me. We have been friends for 30 years!
Over dinner at the Red Violin (a place you have got to go to if you carnivore at heart), I tried to explain to her the traumatic emotions I was feeling. Casually, she said that I should use my hands more. "What?", you may ask. Well as we sussed it out, we concluded that I should talk more and, since I am Italian, I would then be using my hands more to talk. If I am talking, while others are eating, I am still participating in the social aspect of the meal and, at the same time, distracting myself from the fact that I can't eat. What a brilliant idea!

So friends and family, be prepared. I am going to be, goddess help us, talking more during dinner! Don't kill me!

Bra Fitting or Everthing you wanted to know about my boobs but were afraid to ask!

I had my first bra fitting after the surgery! What a fun experience. I went to Secrets from Your Sister. The store is well organized and uncluttered, with displays of most of the bras available. I was put on a list for a fitting and when my name was called I was taken to a spacious fitting room by Erin.

As a sidebar, I must confess that I did tell Erin about my weight loss and the fact that I still had a considerable amount of excess skin around my tummy. I'm not exactly sure why I had to tell her that, but I think it was because I was uncomfortable undressing in front of her without some type of justification as to my shape (which I would liken to a wobbly pear). As much as I hate to admit it, all the extra (unsightly) skin on my body is bothering me and playing havoc with my self-esteem.

I was measured and my first bra was brought to me. It fit! Not beautifully, but it fit. And after trying on several bras we concluded that I am a 38D or a 40C, depending on the bra. (By the way, I have to tell you that the service was amazing. If you have to buy a new bra, I highly recommend having a fitting done at Secrets from Your Sister.) Truly, I had a great time. The first two that I chose were a no nonsense bra called Fit Fully Yours. I needed something super comfortable, easy to wear and care for due to my work with young children. I picked the bra up in black and beige. The next bra was a cute hounds-tooth number that fit so comfortably that I just had to have it. It was a model that they no longer carry so


Ta Da!






So now I have a fabulous collection of bras that feel and look great and the most wonderful part about the whole thing was the price. I paid so little for the bras. You have to understand that I am use to buy bras that are $160 a pop. There purchases came to $140! This has been the least painful experience so far!

So Sad

I am extremely disappointed! In my latest adventure, I booked with Dr. Sliwin the body lift surgery for July 9. This procedure will cost (are you sitting down?) $17,000.00. I don't have that kind of folding money, so I applied for a loan. Unfortunately, I was awarded only $8,500.00. I don't have enough liquifiable assets to make up the remainder of the balance, so I had to cancel the surgery.

I feel really sad, disappointed, stalled, sick, frustrated..... the list goes on. I am going to rebook the surgery for December 2008 and hopefully,by then, I will have accumulated enough wealth (and I use that term loosely) to help cover the other half of the $17,000.00.

Picture Update

June 19, 2007


June 3, 2008

It is almost one year. Need I say more.

Before & After

Pictures say it all....




Before



After



Before



After

Hello Perky!

It has been three weeks since I had the breast reduction, and of all the words that I can think of "perky" sums it up!

But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning. Chris and I went to Scarborough General Hospital on May 7 at 7:00am. I registered at the hospital and was prepaid (medical history, IV line, etc.) for Dr. Sliwin. At 8:30 I was wheeled in the the surgery room and after being drawn upon I was sedated and ..... well that is all I remember about that.

I woke up in a considerable amount of pain. On a scale of 1 - 10, I was at a 9. Morphine was on order and after being given my first injection I was still in a lot of pain. Three times the nurse gave me morphine and three times I told her that Morphine really doesn't work for me. She went and got Dr. Sliwin for a consultation but, unfortunately, he did not want to give me any other drugs. Finally, after I maxed out on the amount of Morphine I could take, I was given a bit of Demerol. Let me back track a bit. Morphine, Tylenol 3, and low doses of Demerol do nothing for me. Oxycodone, on the other hand, does wonders. However, oxycodone is highly addictive and is easily abused. Dr. Sliwin didn't want to give me oxycodone for good reason but he missed the most important point. My addiction is to food, not drugs.

Anyway, it took a few more hours until I was coherent enough to walk around and use the facilities and then I was off home. My oh my, is my bed comfy! Really, that is all I did for the next few days; slept (on my back) and took pain medication. Three days later I was taking about half of the pain medication I was prescribed and was feeling good. Tender, but good. Now I must point out here, that I was not allowed to shower. I just want you to know that after the breast reduction surgery you cannot get the incisions wet. Sponge bath, yes. Shower or bath, no. No water for a least one week.

On May 13 I saw Dr. Sliwin again. He changed the bandages, said I looked fabulous, could now take a shower and sent me on my merry way. I showered as soon as I got home. And for the first time I took a really good look at my new boobs. I must confess that I was taken aback by the amount, and colour of the bruising. Both breasts are bruised a muddy blue and there was a huge, black bruise under each arm. However, once the shock of the bruising wore off I noticed that they are perky! Small, for me, a C cup. Firm; much harder than I am use to; hard like a muscle, not soft and loose. The nipples are much smaller and, in my opinion, cute. I still seem have have a lot of sensation and am happy about this, though I was prepared for the possible loss of sensation. The incisions are big. Don't think that a surgeon's knife is fine. It is not. The scars are there and will always be there. To what degree, is really up to how my body heals. But I just thought that you should know. They are almond shaped. This is the hardest thing for me to get use to. They don't sag when my bra is off. They just kind of sit there, on the top of my chest, almond shaped and perky.

That week, still found me tender and bruised but in good spirits. I had to continue wearing a sports bra 24/7 and putting Poloysporin on the incisions three times a day. I rested, slept, healed and became bored with the television. The following Tuesday I visited Dr. Sliwin again because I thought I was developing an infection. Rather, as Dr. Sliwin explained, my body was just "pushing out" the stitches. He removed the offending stitches and told me to come back in two weeks.

Monday, May 26 I went back to work. Yes, I was sore. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I took a painkiller and slept for a few hours after I came home from work. But all in all, I am doing well. Work is becoming easier but I am still tender and and bruised. I can't really pick up heavy things or stretch to high without hurting myself. I am trying to be careful, but I am a bit impatient. Happy too! This was a good decision.

I just want to add one last note to this. I would have not been able to do any of this if it hadn't been for the support of family and friends. Most especially, my husband Chris. He has been with me every step of the way. He puts up with my helplessness, frustrations, anger, anxiety, hopes, aspirations, dreams, humour, excessive energy, and impatience. A good man is hard to find. I found one. I got lucky.

OUCH!

Just a really quick update; The surgery went well. I am at home. OUCH!

Here They Go ~ Literally

I have been waffling about adding this part to my blog, but I thought that, in keeping with the spirit of why I started the blog, I had better add this part. So here it is (or goes); pictures of my boobs!


This is what they look like with a bra (and camisole ~ just because I am a bit shy)




This is what they look like without a bra



The procedure, which will take about 3 hours long, will be removing about 2 - 2 1/2lbs per breast and perking them right up where they belong. The Girls will be going from a DD cup to about a C cup. There will be scars, but I am sure that I can handle that! Anything to get rid of this back pain!

Once the new boobs have settled into their permanent shape and position, I will add the before and after shots!

Is it saying goodbye?

After a very short meeting with Dr. Sliwin to discuss the upcoming breast reduction and liposuction procedures, I went to the reception desk to check over my paperwork and pay for the surgery. I knew how much it was going to cost, and in fact the amount is reasonable. I just was not prepared for the emotional shock of dishing out that much money.

A lot of the feelings that had stated bubbling up during the last closet purge came to a head and as soon as I walked out of the office, I just started to cry. I felt angry, frightened, and drained. But I'm not clear exactly what is going on with my emotions.

As I thought about it, I began to wonder if part of the grief is related to saying goodbye to the person I was. The second a scalpel cuts my flesh, I will no longer be that"fat" girl that I had finally become comfortable with. That scalpel will mark the beginning of the new me, with all that it entails.

My god. The other day a man flirted with me and I had no idea it was happening until I left the shop! In fact, other than Chris, I can't think of the last person who flirted with me. And that is exactly what I am talking about. "Fat" Tish knew what to expect, when and where it was going to happen. This current model of Tish has no idea what is going on. I am just fumbling from one moment to the next.

Shelna tells me that I am moving to fast. That I need to slow down and breathe a bit. Now, I have never been good at slowing down to begin with, regardless of size, but now, I just want these surgeries done. I don't want to wait for my body anymore. I have to much to do! I know that it all sounds pat, but I tell you it is true. I have a body that can move and do and be and damn it all I don't want to wait anymore.

So for now, I am trying to play new tapes in my head that say things like:
"you are doing the right thing"
"this is reconstructive surgery, not mindless cutting"
"you can amortize the cost of the surgery over the next 40 years of your life"

You get the idea. Now, I just hope the new tapes work!

The closet

All of my clothes, including those from my shopping spree

The last of my "big" clothes

Over the weekend I went through my closet for the last time to remove all the clothes that were to big for me. I was left with 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts. I concluded that this was not a good thing. All the summer "large clothes" that I had saved were way to big on me. So here it goes, the shopping phase.

I know that this is suppose to be a happy thing; and I don't want to sound like I am complaining, but I am not enjoying this on so may different levels. First and foremost is ~ how the hell did I let this happen to me! How did I ever let myself get so big! Okay, I know how, but it doesn't make the question go away.

Second ~ what a waste of money. I mean, first there is the waste from the clothes that don't fit. Did you know that consignment stores do not take brands that fit large sized women? And if there are stores out there, I can't find them. Then there is the waste of money for buying new clothes! I don't have those kinds of funds. I am looking to second hand stores but still, what a waste of money. It's so frustrating.

And finally, I am not comfortable spending that kind of money on myself. It's not that I don't like to buy clothes, it just that I have to buy everything; socks, shoes, underwear, bras, coats, jackets, tops, pants, sweaters, gym wear, shorts, swimwear. Even my jewelry doesn't fit. My watch looks like I am wearing handcuffs it is so big. And because I don't have anything to wear, I am not leisurely wandering around the mall looking for something that I like. I am in panic mode because I need something now!

Besides all of the emotional turmoil, I am okay. I did buy a pair of shoes that fit. I found 2 pairs of Capri's and 1 pair of shorts. I have 3 new shirts that fit now and should also be okay for after the breast reduction. I guess I have to wait for the sales!

It's all about the numbers

Since I was diagnosed with Crohn's 17 years ago, I have had to go in for blood work every three months. Once the diabetes developed, more test were tacked on to my already long list of things to check for. This may all come to and end! Do I hear a Whoo Hoo! coming on?

I have lost so much weight that my endocrinologist no longer thinks that I am a diabetic and has ordered a glucose tolerance test. Basically, I go to the lab and drink a very sugary drink. Then the technician samples my blood over a period of two hours. If my body is able to process the sugar normally, I am no longer a diabetic! As for the Crohn's, well, I am still in remission! I have stopped taking all of the immune suppressing drugs that helped control the Cronh's disease and so far there have been no problems. Since I am not taking any of the potentially harmful drugs, I no longer have to have the status of my liver checked. All in all, in a few months, I might only have to have blood work done only twice a year. Imagine that!

As for my current numbers (all without the aid of medication) they are:
HA1C was 5.36 normal is below 7
Blood Pressure 112/71 normal is 130/80
LDL was 2.9 normal is 2.5
HDL was 3.9 normal is 3.9

I am so normal! Brilliant!

Change of Date

Well Ladies and Gentlemen there has been a change of plans. My Cosmetic surgeon has changed the date of the first surgery, which is now happening on May 7, 2008. Not a big date change, the event was only postponed by one week.
I am really excited about the breast reduction. I have been trying to think of questions to ask the doctor at my pre-operative appointment. I have a few, however, if anybody out there in web-land has a question that they think I should be sure to ask, send it to me.

Reconstructive Surgery ~ Part I

On April 30 I will be having two reconstructive surgery procedures. The two procedures that Dr. Sliwin will be doing is breast reduction and liposuction of the inner thighs. The breast reduction is just that, a breast reduction. Dr. Sliwin will be removing about 5lbs of tissue so that I will have a C cup. I was amazed at the amount of tissue that will be removed. Five pounds seems like so much. But I am very happy about it. My back is killing me!

As for the liposuction, it is the first part of a two part procedure to remove all of the excess skin from my inner thighs. The excess skin starts at the leg/hip joint and goes all the way down to my knee. I inquired why this had to be done in two steps. Apparently, if the liposuction and the skin removal was done both at the same time, the trauma from the liposuction could cause the stitches to rip and, to account for this, the surgeon could not remove all of the skin necessary for a smooth inner thigh.

I have my pre-op appointment on April 16 and will keep you up to date.

We Meet Again, Darth Tish

Well, Darth Tish has lost a few battles as of late and I think I have finally found a way of getting around her. It has to do with never going up the first set of stairs once I get home from work. Basically, what I have to do is pack all my gym stuff (and everything else I need for the day) and bring it down to the front hall by the door. Then, when I come home from work, I open the front door, pack the car with all my stuff and leave home to adventure afar. When it is time to go to the gym, I depart from my current adventure afar and go straight to the gym. When I am done my work out, I then drive home to rest for the day. So far, this insane method of expending energy seems to have worked. However, I am hesitant to claim that I am completely successful at thwarting Darth Tish, as she is a clever and a worthy adversary who may yet ambush me again!

Closet Shopping and Clothing Exchange

Monday I got to go closet shopping! Say what?
Well, as I loose weight my clothes don't fit, right? And it makes absolutely no sense to buy a whole new set of clothes for each size that I shrink down to. So, besides the small sending spree I had recently with my friend Catherine, I haven't bought any clothes. However, much to my surprise, many of my friends have offered me clothes from their closet. These are clothes that no logger fit the original owner, but are in excellent taste and condition. So, Monday I went closet shopping! I got a few pairs of jeans, a couple of skirts and many much needed tops. For the next month I have clothes! WooHoo!

Now, my acquisition of clothing is not limited to closet shopping. Nope. I have also begun exchanging clothing with a couple of friends. As I shrink, I have given my clothes to others and as others shrink faster than I, they have given their clothes to me. It's all become, like, a fashion show/slumber party!

So many thanks to my friends Ramona, Mya and Mary!

New Clothes

I had to buy new clothes. I just can't take this; floating around in stuff that is way to big for me. So my good friend, Catherine Dennison, (who was in Toronto to see the Spice Girls) helped me buy some new clothes (all on sale by the way). I just had to post this picture for two reasons; Chris loves this shirt and look, look, I have a neck!

By the way, I bought this stuff at Cotton Ginny Plus. I'm wearing a size 16 pant and a small, that's right, a small shirt!

Darth Tish's Temper Tantrum

"But I don't want to" said Darth Tish, as she lay on the floor kicking, screaming, and red faced.

"What do you mean?" Tish asked.

"I mean, I don't wanna go and you can't make me!"

"Make you do what?" Tish inquired.

"Make me go to the gym!" Darth Tish said with such an emphatic pout that her bottom lip almost hit the floor.

"Well, I'm not making you go." Tish stated.

"But I should go," said Darth Tish.

"Should you?"

"Yup, I should. But I don't want to," Darth Tish said as she twisted her hair into a knot.

"Why should you go?" Tish asked.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because!" said Darth Tish stomping her foot.

"Because is not an answer," Tish said, "It is a question that requires an answer."

"Because it's good for me" Darth Tish admitted sullenly.

"Oh" Tish said, nodding her head in agreement.

"But I don't want to go"

"You look really mad. I mean, you certainly look like you are having a wonderful, full blown temper tantrum about this." Tish said.

"Well, I do do wonderful temper tantrums. You should see the ones I have about eating junk food." Darth Tish said with twisted half smile.

"Yes," said Tish, "but that still does not address why you don't want to go to the gym."

"Ya, well, I don't want to go because I don't want to go. Like, why should I have to make myself do something else? Haven't I already made myself do so much?" whined Darth Tish.

"Sure," Tish agreed, "you have done a lot. Waiting for surgery, surgery itself, all that vomiting, two dilation procedures and don't forget all that weight loss."

"Ya," said Darth Tish emphatically, "it has been a lot. And why should I have to do more? Why isn't there, like, a magic pill that I can take that makes all my muscles strong and kick-starts my weight loss again?"

"Well, science has not progressed that far," Tish explained. "But I'm sure that one day there will be such a pill. But in the mean time what are you going to do about this?"

"Well," Darth Tish drawled, "I guess I should go to the gym. But I am just having such a hard time getting there and I don't know why. I mean, I do have some fun. And I do like the way I feel after a work-out. And I do want to look better and feel stronger."

"Sometimes you don't have to understand why you behave in a certain way. What is really important is that you just change the behaviour," Tish said. "Does that help?"

"Ya, I know." Darth Tish agreed. "But it don't really change this motivation problem."

"No it doesn't."

"I guess I just have to do it, don't I?" Darth Tish said, as she frantically looked for an easy way out.

"Yup," Tish approved.

"Okay, I'll try again to get my butt to the gym today."

"Okay. I'll check in with you again tomorrow," Tish said.

"Alright," said Darth Tish, sulking, as she packed her swimsuit in her duffel bag. "We will have this conversation again tomorrow."