Things I have noticed

I have been on the path of obtaining my surgery date for a while - 2 years actually. This process involved a referral to a gastric by-pass surgeon by my current endocrinologist. From there I had appointments with the gastric by-pass surgeon (Dr. Hagen), a heart specialist, a social worker, a dietitian, and another endocrinologist. All of these appointments took 1 year to complete. Upon completion, they, as a group agreed, that I would be a good candidate for the surgery. Then I was told the waiting list for a surgical date was another year.

While all this time was passing I participated in a few programs that I hoped would help me understand my eating. I was involved for several months with the Eating Disorders Program at Toronto General Hospital. {Toronto Hospital, Toronto General Division 200 Elizabeth Street Toronto, Ontario M5G 2C4 Tel: (416) 340-4156 Eating disorder - Outpatient service}
This program was geared towards people who suffer from bulimia and anorexia. Neither of these were my problem. I am a binge eater and thus the program, though it gave me some coping tools, did not really help me.

I also participated for six months in the Toronto Rehab program that focuses on healthy hearts. Since my relationship to exercise is directly related to my weight (and health) I thought "why not?".
http://www.torontorehab.on.ca/


I have been involved for several years with Sheena's place too, participating in programs that I thought would help me.
http://www.sheenasplace.org/


I have found that the culmination of all of these programs have brought me closer to understand what is going on. However, the most important thing that I have come to realise is that the "why" does not matter at all. Rather it is the "what do I do now?" question that becomes paramount. I may never understand why my relationship with food is the way it is, but as I understand its' influence over me, I can begin to take control over how I eat.

Now, since I have obtained my surgery date (Tuesday, June 19, 2007), I have begun to seriously consider whether or not I could help others who are going through the same thing. I have decided to post some of the internal work I have done in regards to my relationship with food. These are things about myself that have crystallized for me and I wanted to track them.

Pace
I have realized that the pace at which I eat food is directly related to a fear that my food will be taken from me. I know that sounds really bizarre because I am a grown woman and who really, in their right mind, would take food away from anybody. It is an irrational fear, but one that seizes me and dominates my behavior long before I actually realize that I am hunkered down and eating at an incredible rate. It is also tied into the fact that I am aware that I either should not be eating this item because it is an unhealthy food or that or that the amount is way too much. I have begun looking at behavioral tactics to deal with this.

Drive to Eat
I have realized that I have a drive to eat that is unrelated to the desires of my stomach. In other words. I eat when food is presented to me not out of impulse (because that would mean that I would have awareness and control over the impulse) but rather because of a reptilian drive to eat for survival.

Satisfaction and Satiation
I have realized that I usually eat without satisfaction and rarely feel satiation when I eat. This pushes two buttons. Without satisfaction, rather than stopping and eating something more satisfying, I continue to eat the same thing waiting for satisfaction to dawn on me.The second button is that without satiation, I will continue to eat until I feel pain. Outside of pain, I almost never know when I have eaten enough.

Portions
I have a screwed up mind's eye view on portions. I can measure out a half a cup of food onto my plate and know that it is a half a cup of food. But, when I look at it, it looks like the scrapings of leftovers that amount to no more than a teaspoon or so. The fear this vision instills borders on terror. Thoughts like "I will not have enough food' or "I am being denied food" send me into a tail spin of overeating.