One of the biggest problems that I have faced over the last several years of weight loss and weight gain, has been the conflict between the internal body image and the external body size.
When I am heavy, I often find myself bumping into objects and not being able to determine where I "fit" within a defined space. It is as if I am completely unaware of my external body size. When this situation occurs, it is because my internal body awareness is that of a smaller body shape and size when physically I am not. In my mind's eye, I perceive myself to be the same shape and size that I was when I was in my mid 20's. During these times I feel thin inside but I am fat outside.
When I lose weight, as I am doing now, I have the opposite problem. When I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I cannot see the reduction of weight. Truthfully, I hardly ever look in the mirror because I don't like the reflection at all. I basically check to see if I have all of my teeth and whether or not my hair has fallen out. I don't ever look in a full length mirror. I ask Chris how I look. When I look in the mirror all I see are the lines, wrinkles and fat. What I feel is fat inside when actually I am thin outside.
So like every other person who suffers from an eating disorder, I suffer from a skewed perception of body image; when internal perception and external size do not coincide. How do I fix this problem? I don't know.
I think that there are two main influences that add confusion to this problem. The first being what society presents beauty. I look at magazines, billboards, TV ads etc. I see those thin women, with toned stomachs and wind swept blond hair wearing bikinis and I envy their beauty. Cognitively, I know that the images are an illusion and that I will never look like that (and that in fact, no one can), but I desire it! Therefore, any skewed perceptions I have of my body are further compounded by my desire for the illusion of optimal beauty.
The second influence is that of plastic surgery. I mean, if I could look younger, why the hell wouldn't I? Youth, or the appearance of youth is paramount in our society. And within that desire for youth, I carry all the memories of what youth held for me. I was able to expend huge amounts of energy and accomplish pretty incredible things without consequence. I remember the flexibility and stamina of by body and the silkiness of my skin. So, except for the constraints of finances, why wouldn't I strive to regain that youthful look. Who wouldn't trade just about anything to hold onto the memories they currently have and turn back the clock to recapture those airbrushed features that youth once held for us? And that is exactly what plastic surgery offers us. Youth under a knife and knowledge with out repercussion.
So my adventure, as I continue to loose weight, is to find a way to join the two parts of myself so that my internal perception and the external reality mesh into one whole person.