Is it saying goodbye?

After a very short meeting with Dr. Sliwin to discuss the upcoming breast reduction and liposuction procedures, I went to the reception desk to check over my paperwork and pay for the surgery. I knew how much it was going to cost, and in fact the amount is reasonable. I just was not prepared for the emotional shock of dishing out that much money.

A lot of the feelings that had stated bubbling up during the last closet purge came to a head and as soon as I walked out of the office, I just started to cry. I felt angry, frightened, and drained. But I'm not clear exactly what is going on with my emotions.

As I thought about it, I began to wonder if part of the grief is related to saying goodbye to the person I was. The second a scalpel cuts my flesh, I will no longer be that"fat" girl that I had finally become comfortable with. That scalpel will mark the beginning of the new me, with all that it entails.

My god. The other day a man flirted with me and I had no idea it was happening until I left the shop! In fact, other than Chris, I can't think of the last person who flirted with me. And that is exactly what I am talking about. "Fat" Tish knew what to expect, when and where it was going to happen. This current model of Tish has no idea what is going on. I am just fumbling from one moment to the next.

Shelna tells me that I am moving to fast. That I need to slow down and breathe a bit. Now, I have never been good at slowing down to begin with, regardless of size, but now, I just want these surgeries done. I don't want to wait for my body anymore. I have to much to do! I know that it all sounds pat, but I tell you it is true. I have a body that can move and do and be and damn it all I don't want to wait anymore.

So for now, I am trying to play new tapes in my head that say things like:
"you are doing the right thing"
"this is reconstructive surgery, not mindless cutting"
"you can amortize the cost of the surgery over the next 40 years of your life"

You get the idea. Now, I just hope the new tapes work!

The closet

All of my clothes, including those from my shopping spree

The last of my "big" clothes

Over the weekend I went through my closet for the last time to remove all the clothes that were to big for me. I was left with 2 pairs of pants and 3 shirts. I concluded that this was not a good thing. All the summer "large clothes" that I had saved were way to big on me. So here it goes, the shopping phase.

I know that this is suppose to be a happy thing; and I don't want to sound like I am complaining, but I am not enjoying this on so may different levels. First and foremost is ~ how the hell did I let this happen to me! How did I ever let myself get so big! Okay, I know how, but it doesn't make the question go away.

Second ~ what a waste of money. I mean, first there is the waste from the clothes that don't fit. Did you know that consignment stores do not take brands that fit large sized women? And if there are stores out there, I can't find them. Then there is the waste of money for buying new clothes! I don't have those kinds of funds. I am looking to second hand stores but still, what a waste of money. It's so frustrating.

And finally, I am not comfortable spending that kind of money on myself. It's not that I don't like to buy clothes, it just that I have to buy everything; socks, shoes, underwear, bras, coats, jackets, tops, pants, sweaters, gym wear, shorts, swimwear. Even my jewelry doesn't fit. My watch looks like I am wearing handcuffs it is so big. And because I don't have anything to wear, I am not leisurely wandering around the mall looking for something that I like. I am in panic mode because I need something now!

Besides all of the emotional turmoil, I am okay. I did buy a pair of shoes that fit. I found 2 pairs of Capri's and 1 pair of shorts. I have 3 new shirts that fit now and should also be okay for after the breast reduction. I guess I have to wait for the sales!

It's all about the numbers

Since I was diagnosed with Crohn's 17 years ago, I have had to go in for blood work every three months. Once the diabetes developed, more test were tacked on to my already long list of things to check for. This may all come to and end! Do I hear a Whoo Hoo! coming on?

I have lost so much weight that my endocrinologist no longer thinks that I am a diabetic and has ordered a glucose tolerance test. Basically, I go to the lab and drink a very sugary drink. Then the technician samples my blood over a period of two hours. If my body is able to process the sugar normally, I am no longer a diabetic! As for the Crohn's, well, I am still in remission! I have stopped taking all of the immune suppressing drugs that helped control the Cronh's disease and so far there have been no problems. Since I am not taking any of the potentially harmful drugs, I no longer have to have the status of my liver checked. All in all, in a few months, I might only have to have blood work done only twice a year. Imagine that!

As for my current numbers (all without the aid of medication) they are:
HA1C was 5.36 normal is below 7
Blood Pressure 112/71 normal is 130/80
LDL was 2.9 normal is 2.5
HDL was 3.9 normal is 3.9

I am so normal! Brilliant!

Change of Date

Well Ladies and Gentlemen there has been a change of plans. My Cosmetic surgeon has changed the date of the first surgery, which is now happening on May 7, 2008. Not a big date change, the event was only postponed by one week.
I am really excited about the breast reduction. I have been trying to think of questions to ask the doctor at my pre-operative appointment. I have a few, however, if anybody out there in web-land has a question that they think I should be sure to ask, send it to me.