After a very short meeting with Dr. Sliwin to discuss the upcoming breast reduction and liposuction procedures, I went to the reception desk to check over my paperwork and pay for the surgery. I knew how much it was going to cost, and in fact the amount is reasonable. I just was not prepared for the emotional shock of dishing out that much money.
A lot of the feelings that had stated bubbling up during the last closet purge came to a head and as soon as I walked out of the office, I just started to cry. I felt angry, frightened, and drained. But I'm not clear exactly what is going on with my emotions.
As I thought about it, I began to wonder if part of the grief is related to saying goodbye to the person I was. The second a scalpel cuts my flesh, I will no longer be that"fat" girl that I had finally become comfortable with. That scalpel will mark the beginning of the new me, with all that it entails.
My god. The other day a man flirted with me and I had no idea it was happening until I left the shop! In fact, other than Chris, I can't think of the last person who flirted with me. And that is exactly what I am talking about. "Fat" Tish knew what to expect, when and where it was going to happen. This current model of Tish has no idea what is going on. I am just fumbling from one moment to the next.
Shelna tells me that I am moving to fast. That I need to slow down and breathe a bit. Now, I have never been good at slowing down to begin with, regardless of size, but now, I just want these surgeries done. I don't want to wait for my body anymore. I have to much to do! I know that it all sounds pat, but I tell you it is true. I have a body that can move and do and be and damn it all I don't want to wait anymore.
So for now, I am trying to play new tapes in my head that say things like:
"you are doing the right thing"
"this is reconstructive surgery, not mindless cutting"
"you can amortize the cost of the surgery over the next 40 years of your life"
You get the idea. Now, I just hope the new tapes work!
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This blog will delve into all aspects of my life as I go through the process of loosing weight after gastric bypass surgery, including reconstructive surgery after the weight is lost.
